i cannot keep doing this anymore

I cannot keep doing this anymore

this dance for fools

for fools like us

this same old same old song.

this tightrope i’ve been walking on.

this push pull and shove

this thing we’ve called love.

its really control and S&M.

It’s all about you telling me what to do

all the entire damned time

about everything

you don’t want a wife

you want a puppy

you want a bitch in heat

something to lie next to your feet

something that needs to be fixed

and that’s simply unacceptable to me.

If I agree to postpone the divorce?

If I try to make things work out again,

all this means is sooner or later

you will hit me again.

sooner or later everything will all be my fault all again

because thats how you spin it

you spin it to win it.

If I stay I will be foolish to expect anything different than this crash course

we’ve eroded upon.

Where sooner or later everything blows up in my face again.

I need to leave you.

I need to stop loving you.

I need to be free from you.

i cannot keep doing this anymore

baby dust

baby dust…

just a sprinkle’

will do me as we fall longingly into’

lust.

this baby dust ,

this baby dust,

this rusty fallopian tube.

a spoon,

a plate and a dish.

your forking me again.

sex is our dirty little –

married secret.

what now?

what else?

pregnancy, childbirth, labor-

the erosion of moments

the erosion of memories.

if i recall how badly,

this will be hurting me,

i will never do it again.

baby dust.

baby dust

Can i get back on the Crazytrain?

I want to go back there.

to the land of being insane.

of taking forward ever faster

that silly

Crazytrain?

I want another natural disaster,

where your eyes flooded with mine

and we cried over the end of our marriage-

and over the grief unspent over many years-

that we have both mourned the same man

yet never mentioned him by name?

your wonderful, vibrant, hilarious,loyal and amazing

dead father.

it all went over the hill after he left us still?

yet i still miss him everyday,

and respect your feelings too much

to say

too much about him.

your still in the early stages of loss-

you long to forget him in your grief,

you try to recall him

in your sleep.

My mama she left me

a longer while ago.

i can think of her and him both

as happy someplace though.

i refuse to say your name

or your secret pain

just that the man i loved

he finally cried

over his lost father

who died

eight years ago or longer.

 

Can i get back on the Crazytrain?

seeking solace

seeking solace- by E.H.Cato

6/11/15

I turn over the ground the sharpen stones

with barren hands. i yearn for the simple gemstones

composed of rose quartz, amethyst, tigers eye, sea shells

i grab up fistfuls of grassy dirt

a five leaf clover drops into my lap.

i had never heard of one before.

i dig some more

outside of the virgin marys stone chapel.

i’m seeking solace

carved by bre boned hands.

i dig even deeper to find

the remains of my true lovers heart-

ripped apart

bloodied by battle scars.

i wonder aloud about my dipshit divorce

about why my marriage failed?

of why i am – was- is -am -always

never good enough

for love

or semi precious gemstones

at least i kept

the five leaf clover.

seeking solace

Alone with the lonely

wpid-img_20150601_085934.jpg           ALONE WITH THE LONELY-

BY eMILY h. cATO

aLONE WITH THE lONELY

SOMEBODY PLEASE HOLD ME.. JUST FOR A MINUTE… I REALLY NEED A HUG.

LOVE IS A HORRIBLE HORRID DRUG.

ONCE YOUR HUGH YOU ONLY WANT TO GET HIGHER-

ofF THE roLLERcOASTER OF DESIRE

yOU WOLD DO ANYTHING FOR THAT SEXY SMILE KISS OR WHATEVER

AT LEAST FOR A WHILE.

aBUSE STARTS OFF SMALL IN BABY STEPS.

fIRST HE MANIPULATES YOU AND LIES TO YOU ALL OF THE TIME~

THEN HE STARTS TO REQUEST THAT YOU WAIT ON HIM HAND AND FOOT HE SAYS YOU DO IT CUZ YOU LOVE HIM, BUT YOU CAN TELL HE CAN EASILY GET THESE THINGS HIMSELF- A POP FROM THE KITCHEN OR A BEER FROM A FRIDGE.

nEXT HE STARTS TELLING YOU YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING. aND TO STOP PICKING FIGHTS WITH HIM CUZ HE IS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING all of the damn time too EVERYTHING!

NEXT HE HATES ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND NICPICKS THEM TO PIECES WHEN THEY ARE NOT AROUND-JUST TO BE A JACKASS BUT YOU BETTER NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HIS FAMILY CUZ BLOOD IS THICKER THEN THIN WATER!

sOONER THAN LATER HE STARTS TO HIT YOU. FOR ME IT TOOK FIVE SUCH ATTACKS GETTING MUCH AND MUCH MORE VIOLENT AND FREQUENT OVER THE PAST 15 YRS. hE WAS AN EXPERT AT GASLIGHTING ME. hE BLAMED ALL MY ISSUES ON PARANOIA AND INSANTY.

wELL NOW WHAT? OBVIOUSLY I NEED MORE THERAPY. BECAUSE NOW I AM A VICTIM ALL OVER AGAIN- A SAINT AND A SINNER ALL ROLLED INTO ONE. aND THE TWO THINGS I DO NOT BELIEVE IN MOST ARE SUICIDE AND MURDER.sO I REFUSE TO KEEP KILLING MYSELF FOR HIM AND I REFUSE TO ALLOW HIM TO SNUFF ME OUT. IF THAT SOUNDS PARANOID FINE YOU GO LIVE THERE WITH MY CRAZYY ASS HUBBY AND HIS DUMB BIG ENMESHED FAMILY.

Alone with the lonely

how stupid can you be?

how stupid can you be i ask myself quietly inside?

i knew all along the real family drama was the alcoholism and the beatings. Why did i let them blame it all of me?

i still let them. now as if waking up from a 15 yr dream i realize it was only a dream in my minds eye. My hubby treated me much the same way my father always did with constant disrespect, intimidation, anger and fear.

I think when your a small female you interpret these things differently. you see your mom trying to calm down your dad and you think woman must do that than calm men down, save men, rescue men.

is it not wonder after 11 yrs of dating and four of marriage that this last assult by far the most violent would convince me to end this marriage.

trust me- i want my crazy stickers back, better to be born crazy dumb and stupid then to choose to remain a victim in the center of an abusive circle, because then you choose tht damned circle, you were not born different just treated different always less than never good enough.

how stupid can you be?